Some days I do good, other days not so much. Today is one of those other days. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not falling to pieces or writing out suicide notes but I’m not happy either. I once explained these moods to my psychiatrist as a baseline of numb with a sprinkle of sadness on top. He only looked at me confused and told me that I cannot be both numb and sad at the same time.
But this is how I spend my life, that baseline numbness following me through my journeys. It’s become so familiar now that I forget that, when I am happy, I’m not really happy. Only ever experiencing fractions of emotions, never quite feeling anything all at once. It’s like my mind is terrified that if I let myself feel an emotion in its entirety that my whole system will break down and crumble into tiny little pieces. That I simply will not be able to take it and that there will no longer be any me left to save.
I can remember the last time I cried, just a few months ago. That’s quite recent for me, I often go a whole year without shedding a single tear. See, the last time that I did cry wasn’t really a cry. My eyes were damp but the tears were limited. It’s that numbness again. I cannot feel my sadness in it’s full form or I will break apart, at least that is what my mind has lead me to believe. For so long have I cried either only a single tear or none at all. I wonder what it would feel like to let it all out after being protected for so long by my precious little numb blanket. I wonder, but I cannot do.
I am not in control of this blanket, it is my head who decides when it may be taken away. You must be thinking well it’s your head, why don’t you just pull it off? My answer is that it is no longer my head, not anymore. For it has been taken away by the many who have stripped me of my innocence. They live up there now, continuing to play their mind games even after so much time has passed – and rent free, I might add. Cheeky little buggers wreaking havoc up there with no regard!
I know that the blanket is out of my control, you see if it was in my hands, I’d feel happiness too. Now that’s not to say that I do not feel happiness at all, I do. I laugh at funny jokes and my favourite TV shows but those laughs are limited. Where I have stopped laughing, others are in fits of giggles. I do not remember what that feels like for my blanket does not allow me to. I have been protected under here for so long, I wonder what would happen if I let all of the happiness in? I wonder, but I cannot do.
I cannot tell you why the happiness is not allowed in, maybe I am in fear of it being stripped away. That maybe if I allow myself to reach a level of true content it will all be ripped from me leaving behind only an empty shell of me. You see, that is what has happened every time before. Maybe if I live in this state of baseline numbness without ever reaching the full potential of any emotion then maybe, just maybe, I can protect myself.